So I'll just throw it all out there randomly for the sake of not pretending to be any more organized than I really have been. Last week was decent. Went to work, did my thing, went home and eventually got over being sick. Saturday I went to Momo's house and spent the day with her family playing Farkle and Apples to Apples, then we watched a movie called House of D. The movie was good, very touching story and all, but hit a little too close to home at some points and I had to turn my head from Momo before she noticed my eyes watering. (Yes I get sucked into good stories, but stuff that is still fresh in my memory can only be pushed so far down before the right movie or song baits it back to the surface again) But then we went to see the new installment of the Harry Potter series. It was pretty good, though I'm not sure how 2 hours passed without me even realizing. Then we went to her house for an ALMOST midnight snack with pumkin pie and plenty of cool wHip then made my way to my car, only to run back and knock on her door to make her come out and see the HUGE moon.
Sunday was very nice indeed. Momo came over and we watched some more movies and spent more time getting to know eachother talking and quoting more random movies. That is, of course, until I fell asleep. I didn't sleep much the night before, so I kind of ruined the "go out and play" plans as she decided to forego waking me up to instead sit and stare at the adorable wonder which was my sleeping face. Yeah...women. Since I was so out of it, I can't 100% recall the events of the evening after Momo went home, all I know is I went to bed early because Monday was a day I would not soon look back on with fondness.
Monday was hell. Not going to sugar coat it. The last three days have been hell actually. I got moved to a new facility and no longer have my old job. My manager is also taking over management for another company and told me I would get a small pay raise, health benefits and PLENTY of hours. The only thing he didn't mention was that the work is near-impossible for someone with a short mental capasity like me. Oh that and the "plenty" of hours actually means a schedule that will suck the life out of me. Not to complain about having too many hours during a recession, but lets be honest here, I'll be working from 9a.m. to 7 or 9p.m. from Monday through Saturday, year round. Sounds great for a hard working man right? Well guess what, I work at the church on Sundays and that means I dont get a single day off... all year. Yeah, yeah, boo-hoo no more social life no more hopes of spending time with friends let alone finding someone who might marry me. And that's just it. If I was married with a house and family to provide for, this job would be perfect because I know when I get home from work I have my beloved wife and kids to keep me company and share in their happiness and such. But I'm not married, I don't have anyone but myself to provide for, and I am trying to put myself through school so I might be able to rise above 10 bucks an hour. That's a pretty nice wage, but here in southern California, 10 bucks and hour for 60 hours a week won't even get you an apartment, and I know I'm not going to rent rooms in a stranger's house for the rest of my life. I need to get to school, but my boss said very specifically: No days off. if you're too sick, he want's a doctor's note releasing me from work. There is no other reciever to cover me if I take classes.
So basically, I just got stuck in a position that I can't keep up with. With the recent amount of stress I've been under, I reached a near breaking point today and asked one of the other managers what my options are if I could go back to my old position and find someone more suited for this one. I am perfectly fine with 30-40 hour work weeks with weekends off and a little more flexibility, even if there are no health benefits or awesome paychecks. I'd sooner get fired from my new position for all the mistakes I'm making anyways. And the best part is...It's not hard work at all. It's not like I don't understand it all, It's just too much at once and my brain literally can't process all of the things I have to do without getting nervous and making stupid mistakes. And if you know anything about shipping business, once you make a mistake in recieving, that mistake continues to go through the system all the way until we ship the wrong product, get billed for it and rejected, then my boss has to call the corperate and explain to HIS boss that he hired a reciever who is making tiny mistakes here and there that are costing the business thousands...And guess what; My boss called me into his office today to tell me just that! He said I'm only 3 days into the new position and I'm already getting worse with every day. He sees that I'm visibly nervous, and wants to know if I will show improvement. I wanted to say no please let me back to my old job, but another manager at the company was the one who referred me to that position (I didn't know that until today) and if I bail on this job, then that manager who stuck his neck out for me gets in trouble too. So I'm at a loss here. not sure what to do. If I keep this job, I will have to sacrifice social life, me-time, friends and family, school, and probably the biggest slam in the face, photography. That's right. If I'm stuck at work from the time I wake up 'til long after the sun is gone, every day of the year, I'll have to give up any hopes of booking clients or going out just to shoot pictures like this one:
I for one do not believe in the 'american dream'. I'd much rather work my butt off to piece together my rent, then spend all my free time chasing my two passions: photography and people. Without my artistic expression and the people close to me whom I share it with, my life would amount to nothing more than a weekly paycheck and reciepts for all the food I wasted it on, as I would do nothing more than work and eat and sleep simply to sustain my lifeforce while my soul deteriorates...That is NOT what I plan to let happen.
But wait! There may be hope! Although I'm not 100% sure on the details, I went ahead and enrolled for spring 2011 classes in the evenings anyways! If I lose my job, then I'm fine because I'm ready for change and if this is the way to bring it about then bring it on! But hopefully I can sit and talk with the boss and explain that I'm young and trying to put myself through school, so I signed up for classes that start at 6p.m. two days a week, so for those two days i can come in 9-5 and go to classes, then take saturdays for projects / field trips as required by the class. That way maybe, JUST MAYBE I'll be able to even out my schedule to include some free time and life-progression as I go to school. But this is all just hopeful thinking for now. I'm hoping I can take the classes I want, and hoping the boss doesn't let me go when he finds out I'm taking control of my schedule. and I'm also hoping that if I can balance school and work and continue my position, perhaps those health benefits and pay raise might help me put some money in the bank while I get my teeth fixed and finally start wearing glasses after more than 13 years without them. So since I know only one person who reads this blog; Momo, whoever else is out there, along with Momo, if you are people of prayer, I would appreciate all the help I can get. Both for my situation at hand, as well as my anxiety problems as I have come to realize my fuse is much shorter than I imagined and lately every little thing has caused intolerable amounts of pain even though I know everything's not all that bad. I think I need a break from life.
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